Warning: This will probably be of no help to you at all.
Are your plants trying to tell you something? Maybe you should let them blog.
Blogging is so darn easy, a potted plant can do it. In fact, one sitting in a doburi café in Tokyo is doing it right now as you are reading this -- check it out here. It’s a Hoya kerrii, not to be confused with hara kiri, or Hello Kitty. (It's actually from Thailand, common name Heart-leaf hoya.)
This hoya has the help of a scientist who stuck probes in the soil to record data that’s translated by algorithms into Japanese blogospeak. Personally, I prefer using my keyboard instead of probes.
Here's an explanation in English.
I don’t think this is sustainable in any way yet. Unless the restaurant is bokashi-ing.
"Today was a sunny day and I was able to sunbathe a lot... I had quite a bit of fun today,” says Midori-san the Potted Plant. Or: "It was cloudy today. It was a cold day."
So you think this potted plant’s blog is better than mine? Yeah, well, just wait until I learn how to photosynthesize.
Hawaii connection: My friend Carol, who’s a professional hoya grower – she exports them from her Aloha Hoya nursery in Puna – would probably tell you that even though hoyas seem to have minds of their own they really can’t write. (But don’t tell them that, they’re very fussy and take offense at everything – shhh.) Hers climb up palm trees and blossom wherever and whenever they feel like it, even though she is an amazing hoya whisperer – take a look at this red beauty I saw at her place last week.